It felt like I’d been looking for the love of my life from the very moment I was born. Every face and every circumstance would provide me with another chance to find him; to finally feel complete, whole and give meaning to my life. My heart and soul were aching for it every step of the way and every heartbreak would get me one step closer to despair. The sadness, the hopelessness and the incompleteness would haunt me from dusk till dawn. I’d drag it around with me like Snoopy’s Linus does with his blanket – the only difference being that mine was black, heavy and filled with a deep sense of loneliness.
But then our worlds collided.
It was the night before I knew I was going to break up with my boyfriend of five years. I had come to the liberating conclusion that I was done with the relationship that had been draining me for way too long. My head was swaying, my feet were dancing and my heart was singing on the dancefloor of my go-to club.
And there he was; right at that spot where I’d just been spinning and spinning. We looked at each other and boom; the fire in my heart exploded. I knew right then and there that he was the right guy for me. He lit up my world before I even knew him. He stood there, looking at me and the fire in his eyes showed me that he felt exactly the same.
We’ve been together for nearly a year now and it’s been phenomenal. I can’t wait to see him when I wake up. I get dressed, put on my make-up and try to look fabulous every time we meet. That day he said I looked prettier without make-up though, I knew it was true love. I feel I can really be myself with him; naked, uncut and unpolished.
We have so much fun together exploring new places, wining and dining and just sharing memorable experiences. Last August he took me on an adventure and we spent the entire month in Berlin. We didn’t do the usual tourist stuff but spent most of the time together, enjoying each other’s company. That was enough, we are enough – and that is so much.
The sex is incredible too. He’s patient, doesn’t make me feel I need to ‘hurry up’ or give back right away. He knows what I like and makes me feel safe. Together we explore new depths and discover heights we didn’t even know existed.
When we go for walks along the river, he always likes to ask me what I need. I feel free to open up my heart and let him see deep within my soul, because he sincerely cares for my well-being. He does everything in his power to meet my needs, to support me and to take care of me. His actions speak so much louder than his already bellowing words of love.
He accepts me for who I am, I don’t need to be anything but myself because that is already more than enough. He laughs at my jokes and admires my beauty. He sees me for me and says yes to that. He embraces me fully and lets me be me. And that, to me, is truly unprecedented. The best thing about it all though, is that I’ve created it myself. You know why? Because he is actually me.
It was that night, on that spot, on that dancefloor when I just felt so incredibly happy being with me, myself and I, dancing away to the tunes of my favourite band, that I knew what had to change. It was then when I realised that I had to be that guy, that I had to be there for myself and that I had to take responsibility for the fireworks I was craving and light up my own world.
When we put our happiness in the hands of others, we’re lost. When we give our power away, we become powerless. When we let our hearts get crushed because of someone else’s choices in life, we make ourselves unnecessarily small. We give away the only control we have, we step out of our own light and put ourselves in the dark. We all do that to ourselves – and that automatically means we can also turn it around.
We have all suffered through heart-breaking spells of pouring loneliness, of desperation and heart-wrenching unhappiness. We’ve all been there, done that- or are still drowning in it. It still happens to me when I drink too much, when I wake up sad, missing someone to hold my hand or someone to lean on for just a little while. My mind automatically wanders off to him; the guy that has held my heart in his hand for a little bit too long now and has squeezed it so much it’s gotten bruised. He still has a spell on me and temptation rears its head nearly every day.
But that’s where I jump in, where I am my own lifeline, where I say no to bullshit and yes to quality. And that is the only thing I can do: be there for myself, take care of myself and protect myself. I have me to fall back on, to lean on and that feeling is powerful beyond measure.
When looking for the love of our lives, we first need to find it within ourselves so that when he or she finally does walk by, we’ll be able to recognise true love. We’ll be able to welcome it in with no strings attached and no expectations to live up to – because we’ll already be fine with ourselves. But most of all, we’ll have our full selves to give, instead of a void to fill. And that is exactly what the wonderful gift of love is all about.
Love & courage,
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