When he asked me to marry him, I said I had to think about it. When it took me a little bit too long to answer, I realised I wasn’t really into the relationship anyway and I broke up with him.
This is more or less what happened when the people at my co-working space asked me to intensify our collaboration in exchange for more pay. I was like: “yes, of course, let’s do it!” and I filled in the necessary paperwork to file for the funding. But then I never sent it and let it go past the due date. That’s when I knew that I actually didn’t desire to intensify our collaboration. And then I asked myself: “So, why am I doing this in the first place?”
It was when I saw my actions weren’t lining up with my words that I had to admit to myself I actually didn’t want to do it. I’ve gotten to know myself so well by now that I wait and see if doing something comes naturally to find out if I really want to do it. If I have to force myself, it’s actually not my thing.
This might sound simple, but it’s actually very hard. Especially since I used to live on auto-please-everybody-pilot. And so I didn’t see, or feel, the difference between what (I thought) others expected of me and what I truly desired.
Now I’m way more in tune with myself. I must admit that it does help to leave all that you’re familiar with behind and to press a sort of reset button and start afresh. Moving to Florence has allowed me to reinvent myself. I’ve started from a certain ground zero on which I wanted to rebuild me, myself and I. And I did.
Until I got in a relationship and my auto-responder went back to: “Of course, whatever you want I want and you know what, I’ll even start looking at life through your eyes, because I believe I need to adapt to and assimilate with you in order for you to stick by me.”
I wasn’t aware of this, since after this exact same pattern had occurred in my previous relationship, I was determined to speak my mind this time round. And boy I did. I just didn’t DO anything with it. But I thought I was being true to myself by saying all the things I didn’t like about my partner and so I felt very active and empowered – yet was utterly lost in hope-addiction and fairly frustrated. One step at a time, I guess.
This co-dependency, as I now know it’s called, caused me to derail again and yes, even though I did experience a lot of love, I did also remove myself from myself (again). But hey, you’ve got love, right? And love is all you need, right? Well, no. It’s not.
You first need yourself. You need to get to know yourself on such an intimate level that you can’t possibly lie to yourself anymore and you need to find out what you truly desire. Then you need to work on your self-worth and match that up with what you desire – and really feel you deserve it. And then you manifest that.
Or that’s how it’s gone for me. I freed myself from my own frustration by lining up my actions with my words and admitting that this relationship wasn’t working for me. It wasn’t him, it was me and me not daring to be true to myself. I just accepted the mismatch because I felt I didn’t deserve any better and I blamed him for my misery. We happily ploughed on through the draining dynamics we had subconsciously created and were dragging each other down. We talked, but we didn’t act. Until I decided to take a knife, stab it into my own heart and save my own life. Because that is exactly what it felt like.
And now I’m free. I have been free for a while and it’s great. But since my deepest desire is for love and connection, I’ve been looking for that and, let’s say, it’s been an interesting journey. I initially just kept on going for whatever looked attractive and showed a mild interest in me. I still hadn’t got my self-worth in place and so I learned as I went, hitting my head and hurting my heart on the go. This bumpy, bruising road allowed me to add more and more things I did want to my list though, thanks to experiencing what I didn’t want. That’s just how I learn, through experience.
And then, at some point, the moment arrives in which you have a crystal clear idea of what you truly desire and are totally ready to receive it. And then, just like magic, that person (re)appears into your life. The Universe had already tried to match us a long time before, but I wasn’t ready yet and wasn’t able to see or receive the king disguised as “another random guy”. Little did I know that he was everything I’ve ever truly desired.
Say no to bullshit and yes to your desires
And so now I’m lining up my words with my actions once again. And that is scary as hell because it means committing to that big beautiful thing you desire and actually taking responsibility for it. It takes conscious effort to say no to bullshit and yes to your desires. It means looking yourself in the eye and going: “what do you really want?” and then take that knife again, kill everything that isn’t contributing to you living out your desire and diving in like your life depends on it. Because it does.
Being true to yourself is hard because it means putting yourself first and possibly hurting others, or parts of your own ego. It means putting on your big girl pants and rising up to the level you wish to operate at. That of the woman you envision yourself to become, to be. That is true commitment. That is being true to yourself, your higher self.
Figure out what is true, what is false, what is a grey area and what you actually want to cultivate. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s: “You get what you focus on.” You can focus on the bullshit and how it’s not serving you and create more of it, or focus on the good shit and fertilize like crazy and let the flowers grow until you can’t see anything but flowers – and even attract butterflies – and all of a sudden your life has truly become beautiful. It’s what you decide to water; the crap or the flowers.
Love & courage,
Want to learn how to be true to yourself more? Book your first free consultation here and I’ll tell you how I can help you trust your own truth – and act upon it.